Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
