Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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