I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
