Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
