the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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