During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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