I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
