Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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