my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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