Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
