She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
