Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
