the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
