whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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