I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He? As in you personified your dick?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
