I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
