I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
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He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
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Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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