The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
