I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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