but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
