Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
