Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
