Betty ford says i'm here all night
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Im part way to drunk.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
