I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Dicks are not precious.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
