he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
True strength comes from lack of pants
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
