I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I will die if light touches me.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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