I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
