Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
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Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
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btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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