my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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