Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
