it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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