The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
