WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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