she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
