haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
