I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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