I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Also, beer. Big fan.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
