the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
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No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
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Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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