i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
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Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
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Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.