I want you more than these girls want KFC
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.