everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
