I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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