I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
