The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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