does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
