soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
