Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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