I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Couch. On fire.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
