I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
