My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
