I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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