There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
In other news, I just burned my penis
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
