I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
false alarm. still invincible.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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